Mother Dearest

I’m currently at my mothers house. I don’t know why I always say mothers house when my father lives here also. I also don’t know why I’m sayin “mother and father’ when in reality I call them mum and daddy.

I heard through the grapevine (one of the siblings. Not quite sure which one ) that my room is to disappear. Going to be turnt into a sewing room. A sewing room for fucks sake!! My mum watches too much tv. Another point and example for this. My dearest mum has collected up all my “junk” and told me to sort through it ( the ones that she even considered important enough to be sorted through.) She’s chucked away what’s she’s liked already. And given me the shitty remains. In the effort to not be a hoarder. Is my mum ok?! Dementia anyone?! And fuck you channel 4 documentaries. For filling my clearly impressionable mums head with bull. *claps all around people*
Anyway. Back to what I was sayin. The destruction of my room. Made me quite upset. I cried. (As you do when your a grown woman and don’t even live at ur parents house). I know I shouldn’t be selfish because I hardly visit. But com’on. I would like the option of my own damn bed when I come to my own fucking house. And I wonder which bright spark came up with the idea of putting a double bed in my little sisters room so we can “share” when I visit. That is some STUPID shit. I don’t think so. I’m not coming to my OWN house to CAMP out like sum loser with my huffin and puffin fat 14 year old sister. Ill pass. And the alternative is living with my older sister which again I won’t be doing. Because living with her is a fucking nightmare. I. E. Not talkin for 3 months. Livin in a small 2 bedroom house and not giving eye contact. Screaming matches and malicious texts to one another. Love her to death when I aint around her. When I am. I’d sell her to the mafia for £2. 50.
I keep going off track. Anyway. I was upset because I graduate soon and I’m planning to come right back home. Rent free. Pay of my debts. Find a career. Then when I’m rentin my own house for good you can turn my room into a dungeon for all I care.

The woes of me eh. Anyway. I’m over here for about a week. Going to see my godbaby on tuesday. Hopefully. Fingers crossed. Brought my southern comfort with me. So I’m ready to get good and stinking drunk. But who will I be getting drunky With ?!?

I’m not sure. But I’ve been stone cold sober sincE january with the drunken phonecalls so. This isn’t on. At all.

My daddy said he’ll drop me back to mine. (Obviously for a fee because he’s clearly deep down jewish) which is fine by me. Worth it for the struggles I would have with my shitty rolly suitcase. So I am going shoppppingggggg. Since I have abit in my account (not too much mind u ) to buy summer clothes. Party clothes. Shoes. For fucks sake just about anything.

I think that will be all

End

Free like willy

I am now free. I’ve finished my exams and as my title states. I’m free like willy *cue a row of guys swinging their dicks in a circular motion*. To kick start my free time I have watched various movies. Played the sims and washed my hair. Interesting.

My friends birthday is on Saturday. I have work till 10 pm. Then I have to travel all the way to the club. Get drunky. Go my mums house as I don’t live close enough to the club to go back home and then probably as soon as I reach base. Turn around and make my way to work. As I start at 07.45. I’m actually starting to think I’m crazy. How that is goin to work out I’m not sure. But I’m buyin a bottle of southern comfort tomorrow. I mean. Who doesn’t need a tipple.

I’m abit apprehensive though. Because I won’t know anyone. All different ethnic backgrounds etc. but. I need to live a lil. Being a leper. Especially when im this pretty isn’t cute. As humble as I am

Hopefully I will find a cutie in the club to give me some much deserved attention. Have a lil make out sesh. A lil grab ass never killed anyone. NOT in the club by the way. What you take me for webbies I have self respect. It would be in the alley way behind the club. Duh

I seriously need to go on a shoppin spree. All my clothes are dowdy and I’m just a boring old hag. Hence why I’m doing the mission on Saturday. Forgetting that tipple whilst I’m tired as fuck will jus send my ass to sleep. Homeless on the train. Anyone ? Just me then

I’m waiting for one of my grades for some work I worked really hard on .. Out of Friday so it best be a good damn grade or I’m gonna flip out on some bitches. If flippin out means crying. Bitchin and sulking.

It’s 6 am at the moment. Been too busy watchin the real housewives of Vancouver. Who new that was actually a place huh?!? Anyway. My plan for tomorrow is to get a good book. A magazine. Some chocolate milk. Southern comfort and……. Some lemonade. Because apparently that’s the best mix.

Shrugs

Twiddling thumbs

B xoxo

Big girls don’t cry

I went on jbs twitter. Bs as usual. His picture is ugly. Again only messaging ugly girls and chattin shit about football. I know I said I wouldn’t. But I really didn’t care. I already know he has a girlfriend. So whatever girls he’s flirting with is. Not my problem it’s hers.

I did tell MF to stop talkin about jb with me unless she’s bringin up me to him. This isn’t walk down memory lane one way game. Fuck that. It was so funny when I told her that jb broke my bed. She automatically presumed it was due to “animal sex. Steammmy” lol she got issues. Bless her.

I don’t like that my recents have been about jb. Fuck that guy. Anyway. I’m going to start datin. Not going to find anyone in my bedroom like some leper. After my last exam. Hopefully we’ll have juicy posts instead of washed up ones about jbs dumbass

Love y’all

Now playing : big girls dont cry. Fergie

im pretty damn pissed

and im not quite sure why or with who. ill tell you what happened this morning.

jb (yes .. this loser AGAIN)  and i mutual friend. she spoke to me and was saying how she feels as though reconciliation for jb and i is what she foresees. obviously i know she’s not god. and I’ve come a long way from relying on peoples opinions on a situation as fact but it seemed abit fishy to me. as if he had said something to her or something else of that nature. i asked where his girlfriend fit into this reconciliation and she said she doesnt! .. actually  ill do this dialogue style because  he said she said will only get confusing.

MF (mutual friend): his gf had no impact before and so she wont again. u and  jb are very similar, two peas in a pod! [which i always said in regards to us both being hard headed and stubborn etc etc ]

me: whys his gf got no impact ?

MF: because if she did he wouldn’t have got mesmerised [yes webbies, she actually used the word mesmerised] by you in the first place. fact!

me: im  noones back up plan if hes having problems with his gf thats not my business [ im still under the illusion hes said something to her]

MF: i get what ur saying but regardless if your talking to ur gf or not, anutha girl shouldn’t hyponotise u so fast and ur no  backup hun, you’ll never be [ yes webbies, she said hyponotise.. wtf is she on!??!]

me: i dont think he liked me THAT much. why do u think he did?

MF: because  its basic rules; no guy invests time in a girl he doesn’t like, he liked you, it got sticky and then he had to leave it. thats it point blank. he knew the next stage was boyfriend and girlfriend  and he couldn’t give that so he does what all guys do and shut off [ this is where i started  to get angry. the excuses and the BS and it just sounded exactly like him. which is why i thought they had spoken about me]

i then asked her if they had spoken about me and she said not recently only like 2 months ago when it all ended. [thats probably the above paragraph he gave her that she regurgitated back to me]  then she said that recently its just casual civil talk [ which im pretty sure is because he doesnt trust her anymore and thinks she will tell me after i screamed like a possessed banshee at him when she first told me about his ex].

me: is he still unhappy? whats going on with him and his girlfriend?

MF: nah you and him [wtf she mean by that? i dont want to be annoying though and ask about something she said 30 mins ago .. probably reading too much into it] he just talks to me about uni and stuff no mention of a gf, he hasnt gone yet love… [implying that i haven’t missed my chance.. probably another reason why im pissed!!! i dont fucking want him babe!!]

thats when i blew up and said that hes so secretive that hes probably with his gf and not telling her because he thinks she will tell me. and for the ‘he couldnt give me bf and gf stage’ thats  bs its not that he couldnt its that he wouldnt.  i told her exactly how i feel. which is i think hes a liar and a coward. he should have told me from the beginning that he had, had a long term relationship and that they had broken up recently. i understand that, because with me and mr 3 year noone could compare to him, breaks or not, other people or not. i always ended back up with him. and if jb had told me this in the beginning ! i would have taken 2 steps back and i wouldnt have invested THAT much time in us. and webbies you KNOW how much time that was, from obsessive thinkin to counselling. i was a fucking wreck. i didnt appreciate him blaming me saying we argue too much as opposed to telling the truth that his dumbass is running back to his ex. so reconciliation is most definitely NOT on the cards.

and there you have it… yes he may have not been lying when he said to me a girlfriend is the last thing that he wants at the moment and he might actually be single and taking a break from dating like me and actually be happy. i hope hes not though. i hope hes with his ex girlfriend and she is stressing him the fuck out. but who knows.. you know when you’ve been with someone that long you can see each other go out and have sex without wanting a title  because you know hes not disrespecting because you’ve been in a long term relationship. thats probably what hes doing with his ex.. and so be it. i couldnt care either way because im not involved in his life anymore. and never will be again. because what he did to me was disrespectful.

i could have made enquiries into what he used to say about me to make her think he liked me so much. but  hey, i know he used to like me. but the situation didnt get ‘sticky’, his ex just came back into the picture and he made his choice. so be it.

end

 

Future

I am determined to finish my topic of revision today. I have taken pro plus to ward off my inevitable naps and I am on fire. If by on fire I mean mulling over my future and lookin out the window at the rain. But webbies..
What am I actuuallyy going to do with my life??? If I dnt get the internships that I’m applyin for this year then what am I going to do? I remember my earlier post named graduation when I was sayin I was jealous of everyone graduating this year. I no longer am. What are they graduating to? Recession? Life of working in walmart because they can’t get a job??? I don’t actually know what I’m going to do if I don’t get an internship. If I don’t get qualified in my field … Then what’s the point? Will I go into business? What if I don’t know what to do? How will I be sucessful and earn 50k if I didnt even do business to go into business. I’m utterly confused with this. I’m not god. I don’t know what will come of my life. But its worrying. I am happy that I do have this new job I just got. And they do have branches closer to my parents house in which I can hopefully transfer to if I graduate and have no other option but moving back home. But that’s a whole year away… Totally confusing. I always imagine myself living in an apartment and being comfortable money wise. But what am I doing for a living?!? The rat race, mind boogles me. The thought of doing 9-5 till death and/or taxes do us part isn’t enticing at all. The only thing I can pray/hope for is that I love whatever job I end up having as a career. So that it infact doesn’t feel like a job.

Speaking of my job. Yesterday work wasn’t that hectic. Kept on top of my loggings and left on time. the people there are nice so that’s good. Even though they are probably bitchy underneath really and bitch bout me!

My Driving yesterday went better. My instructor told me I need to focus. Seeing as shiny things distract me, as well as pretty boy and girls. And when I did I totally did better. I think I’ve been doing so shit because of exam stress and changin jobs. Bt I don’t want to be throwin money away for nothing. I want this bad. I just have to remember. Mirror. Signal. Break. Change to 2nd gear and steer lol den ill be fine. 2012 is my year webbies. Ill be damned if I don’t accomplish anything in it. Its already almost may and I could have swore it was new years like last week. Like my mum says. Time waits for noone.

Musings

Bee

update

my first day of work

yes ive been trainin everyday leading up 2 today but damnnnn today was busy as fuck! i finished at 10pm and ended up leavin at like 11.30. for fucks sake, its reallllyy streessful. but goes fast. i need to keep on top of my logs and just stay on top of everything… . my exams are in less dan 2 weeks. when ever i think about it fear crosses my face . i am classic epitome of deer caught in head lights. honestly. i havent had enough time to put as much graft in as id like because of this new job. grrr!!

no time

i have no time whatso ever. i havent seen my friends, my godson, my family, even talking about what ill be doing after exams is just too exciting to bare it overwhelms me. so  i dont want to look too far into the horizon.

exercise

honestly i am a fat ugly cunt. honest. ok im not ugly but honestly im a chubbbbby chaser. i did what i promised from my last post and purchased my cross trainer. it took me 2 hours to set up and honestly it was some hard graft!!! i was literally scratchin my head in confusion. epitome of dumb blonde [get over the sterotype] honestly had no clue. but i am diy queen and i prevailed [thank god] and its set up… sadly it has already become my clothes hanger. i have however used it once for 33 whole minutes [proud] and lost a WHOPPING 122 calories… yeah thats right my poptart i gulp down constantly is 10x the calories. the fizzy drinks i drink even! fuck you cross trainer. u hate me and i hate you. but we will be aquaintences because looking good is my mission. my arms are killing me though. walking like the fucking hulk. guess that 30 mins did something after all.

driving

i.cannot.drive. my driving is atrocous, i have had 20 lessons now and i almost died twice. webbies. i am too young to die and i am too pretty for jail. i will be hot totty in there and will be no ones bitch. i dont eat fanny. i feel like giving up but im too determined. the image of me racing my exs of the road and meeting cute boys at petrol stations are just too enticing for me to pass up. i also hate that everyone in my work place who is younger than me drives. im a 22 year old driving virgin . however./..i will pass. i will get a car. i will be cool. [ha!] only thing that keeps me going iss the fact that at one point every single person has been in my position. even though im sure automatic is easier aand learning to drive at 16 in america is way better. fuck my life. moving on

sex life

non existant. which reminds me. sex with myself may be on the cards tonight. aint i lucky wined and dined by me myself and i. but seriously. i miss the interaction. i miss kissin [ since im so fricking good] i miss being the centre of someones world and being lavished with compliments. i dont even fucking get to flirt. fuck this. 2 months and going strong webbies! going strong

… tumbleweed

i have nothing as of yet to post about, nothing funny, no trials and tribulations. just school, work, driving,… well i guess i could talk about my driving. and tomorrow is my first official day of work so i could write a first day at work post… sorry to disappoint. definately thinking about you my little webbies… this is just what happens when your single. no drama in my life. i love it. i also bought an exercise machine. a cross trainer to be precise. so ill give a fulfilling and utterly amusing blog sooon. i.e. tomorrow or the next day

love and peace

bee

So it finally happened

I finally saw jbs Stupid pretty face on twitter. I laughed. I wasn’t enticed to go on his twitter. I just muted him so I don’t see him from now on and went about my business.

I’m cured

We thank god.

Ps. I’m bored as fuck. Need to meet new people. That I get on with and that are cool. Just on a friendly basis. Boy or girl. Really don’t care. Just want to meet new people

Sigh

B

Back to civilisation

I haven’t blogged In a while because. I’ve been busy trying to revise and going to training at work. Fml it’s proper cutting into my revision time. But I don’t like leaving you webbies for long. So I’ll update you.

Work
It’s hard but I seem to be gettin the hang of it. It’s pressurising that old peoples lives are in my hands. So many calls to relatives and flipping police and hospitals for these old people’s asses. I pray I get the hang of it.

today’s annoyances
woke up today to see my friends status all angry. I asked what’s wrong and it’s the same shit different day. She was saying she has no friends because noones helping her with the baby and it’s hard and that she’s breaking down.
Here’s the problem I had
Her always complaining that it’s hard. Ok. Obviously I don’t have a child. But I can onli imagine what being sleep deprived can do to someone. When I DID use to help ( funny she forgot that huh!?!) it was fucking hard. I had to be harsh with her webbies. Because I didn’t appreciate her sayin that I wasn’t her friend cause I’m not there for her 24/7. I love her. But I’ve moved house for education purposes. I no longer like 30 minutes away from her. I have exams that I need to study for. And work I need to attend to make money to achieve my own fucking goals. Stupid bitch. And yes that’s rude but now I’m just irked by reliving it. Always moanin “me me me!” Well Wtf about ME bitch. If she had it her way everyone would cater to her. Erm no sorry. I wasn’t born to serve you. Slavery times are over babe.
Another thing that annoyed me is how she’s always sayin I’m godmother but I’m never around. I told her to stop trying to make me feel bad because she’s the one that don’t want to legalise it. So fuck you. Don’t want to do it the right way but you want to reap the benefits.

Don’t get me wrong I love her. But I have shit to do too. And I don’t live close and I don’t drive. So im really not going to break my back just to get down there sorry. The onli thing I can do is suggest shit like doctor or councilling etc n send money which I’m fine with.

Moral of this story. Don’t open your legs and make a baby when your going to be expecting help from everyone. Don’t rely on anyone but yourself. Noone was helpin you to fuck bareback to concieve him so don’t expect everyone to bend over backwards to help you raise him. You see why I hate teen pregnancy.

Ps. Not saying its piss easy or that I don’t love my godson. But DAYUM.

Horizon
I have FINALLY allowed myself to join civilisation again on twitter. Without fear that I’m going to go on jbs raggedy ass profile. I did have to hide our mutual friend though. So I don’t see her dumbass message him. I just don’t want to see his face. I really don’t. Ugh. I probably will eventually though. I was chit chatting or shud I say tweet tweetin… No I shouldn’t. Anyway. With our mutual friend. So he probably saw that and my bombass new photo. Which obviously he will see and kick himself because I’m a fucking beaut. Anyway. I also know from my back to civilisation bs that I’m not ready to date. I was tweetin a cute guy who was sayin the same old shitty lines. And tell me webbies. Tell me why I was thinkin about him all day. Desperado much. Not ready to meet a guy im actually attracted to and not make him the main focus of my life.

Gotta keep myself to myself

Ps. When I was making chicken drumsticks today. I looked in the bag and saw some huge ass ones!! And I rejoiced. Because as I am single I don’t have to save the big ones for no nasty ass man. Yay!!!!!!! I love being on my own.
Single and not wanting to mingle !

Bee

Drunk- ed sherran

“I Wana be drunk when I wake up. On the right side of the wrong bed. “

I miss kissing.
I miss sex and personal contact with someone.

Bee.